~Chuang Tzu. Make sure to use extra sarcasm. I am originally from Indiana. - All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else. Hilarious One Liners:Marriage, Group 1. We love funny one liner jokes. Relationships, people. o O o. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen. 82.72 % / 2923 votes. 3: Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work. I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven . In the joke world hierarchy, one-liners are a gem: they're easy to remember, take no time to tell, and if crafted just right pack a mightier punch than a joke with a longer set up. One of the classic best one liners. Love Quotes. Aug 26, 2020 - Paraprosdokians are witty one-liners, perfect for social media quotes! Daily you will get new and good one liner jokes of the day to share among your loved ones. Feb 14, 2021 - Explore Darshana Chawla's board "Witty one liners", followed by 101 people on Pinterest. I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge. And more paraprosdokians! Community. Danielle Carson. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here". A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read. 3. A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling. It also shows that you're able to process . One liner tags: life. The wife says that yes, he could. High quality One Liners inspired art board prints by independent artists and designers from around the world. "Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious". Funny One Liners With all the stress going on in the world lately we all need a break. Send you one-liners to mike@mikekerr.com Michael Kerr is a Canadian Hall of Fame business speaker, very funny motivational speaker, and business trainer. Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. 2. See more of Witty One Liners on Facebook. A sandwich walks into a bar. For a one-liner to be more humorous, puns can be used. - The reason they bury politicians 26 feet under is because deep down they're nice guys. Aug 26, 2020 - Paraprosdokians are witty one-liners, perfect for social media quotes! Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope. - Laziness pays off now. After " Live and Let Die " villain Dr. Kananga balloons and explodes . The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. LoL bole to . - Sara Pascoe. The best funny one-liners Shutterstock "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." "It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. If God is watching us . One liner tags: health, life. "DO NOT TOUCH" must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille. 2: Everything is edible, some things are only edible once. A word said with meaning but understood with another purpose is a pun. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. All orders are custom made and most ship worldwide within 24 hours. So, 22 Words decided to design posters with classy. We have lots of witty one-liners and snappy comebacks, all with the goal of engaging the opposite sex. 50 One-Liner Jokes That'd Leave You Rolling. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. Log In. Humor is known to provide positive health effects on individuals by producing endorphin's that are 500 times more effective in eliminating pain than morphine. A collection of the best funny one liners. The main challenge of finding a great dad joke is choosing funny jokes that are ridiculous, innocent, and suitable for all ages. News_of_Entwives: The shovel really was a groundbreaking invention. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. Life One Liners . I love this one liner. You take my life when you do take the means whereby I live. o O o. But all mine ever says is goodbye." "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." "Some cause happiness wherever they go. Always borrow money from a pessimist. When he saw me, he ran up, gave me a big hug, and said, without a hint of sarcasm: I forgot your face, but I remembered that you are fat! Good Comebacks. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. March 8, 2022 March 8, 2022 Entertainment Relationship by Adam Green. My favorite mythical creature? . Sarcastic One Liners - Sarcastic Jokes; Sarcastic One Liners - Sarcastic Jokes. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. - Michael McIntyre. I hope you enjoy them all and I hope they make you smile. 82.95 % / 1753 votes. Don't judge a book by its movie. So check this list of life lesson based funny lines and enjoy. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 11 Clean One Liner Jokes "Money talks. My observational comedy improved.". When somebody . Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. But it was no match for me at kickboxing." "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. o O o. The quicker the humor the more sharp it may be and the quicker at making us laugh! I started with nothing, and I still have most of it. Originally Published: 10.7.2019. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face?" I was born to be a pessimist. 4: What do prisoners use to call each other? Life is full of surprises, so let us enjoy it and savor all its flavors happily. "If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill "The burden didn't feel any lighter. Not a shred of evidence existsin favor of the idea that life is serious.~ Brendan Gill. Funny One Liners With all the stress going on in the world lately we all need a break. Funny One-Liners On Life "Life is a terminal disease." "Take my advice I'm not using it." "A clean house is a sign of a misspent life" "Don't trust atoms, they make up everything" "If you fall, I'll be there." - Floor "Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives" "Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it." One-liners can be written in the following ways: Make a PUN. Here are 20 classic one-liners: Woody Allen: "Having sex is like bridge. 6 Andy Samberg. Witty One Liners 43% of all statistics are worthless. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. See more ideas about funny quotes, witty one liners, words. . 25. A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book. Funny One Liners. With that in mind, here are 76 super corny one-liners for kids that get . Funny One Liners. Sarcastic One Liners - Sarcastic Jokes; Sarcastic One Liners - Sarcastic Jokes. This is sarcastic. Tickle your friends' and followers' funny bone with an unexpected twist. Funny one liners are the best when it comes to sharing jokes in a crowded place. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 145+ One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny. That cautious Old Person of Dean. One-Liners Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." And now we side-step over to romantic comedies. We'll see another a little later in the list. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. There is something about comedy that always gets to us, doesn't it? Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle . "You're so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line.". 2. 59+ Funny And Witty One Liners To Tell Friends There is something about comedy that always gets to us. Funny One Liners About Life ~ Life Jokes - Life is all about ass. They say money talks but mine can only say goodbye. But John came fifth and won a toaster. I hope my speech will keep you on the edge of your seats. Cheesy or adorable, maybe a little bit of both, When Harry Met Sally boasts a few memorable one-liners. T-shirts, posters, stickers, home decor, and more, designed and sold by independent artists around the world. I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me "Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. So enjoy! My blood type is B Negative. 11 Clean One Liner Jokes "Money talks. Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else. . Assaulted = a salted peanut. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. . Top 1435 Best Funny One Liners 2021 Funny One Liners "Light travels faster than sound. Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness. 82.72 % / 584 votes. Funny One-Liners About Life. "If I was an Olympic athlete, I'd rather come in last than win the silver medal. "If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!" anonymous. That is, making use of a word with two meanings. Lit up in fluorescent orange, Department of Transportation highway signs are hard to miss, especially since many states have jumped on the bandwagon of using trendy one-liners and puns to grab the attention of drivers. DukeMcGoober: Then God said unto John: "Come forth and receive eternal life.". Ready for your walls, shelves, and the world. Some of these pickup lines are guaranteed to have never worked. The day before something is a breakthrough, it's a crazy idea. The following is our hand picked collection of 50 of the funniest one line quotes that is sure to leave you in splits. I had just returned from a two-week trip to Asia. Sarcasm about Life. Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex? Wisdom and Philosophy one liners We repeat the line "One liner a day, keeps a doctor away" just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! Money is the root of all wealth. So take a few moments to read them all and then, please pass them on. One liner jokes about life . If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. When I say I am a bad electrician somebody gets shocked and my community still wonders why. He won't expect it back. A sentence. Category Archives: Life One Liners. Not now. Funny One-Liners About Life. by Team Scary Mommy. - George Carlin. Dec 30, 2013. by. eraser_dust: "Letting go of a loved one can be hard, but sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.". So check this list of funny wisdom and philosophy lines and enjoy. Witty One-liners I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared. Barber Ervjeni. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it. 19,507 people follow this. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it. I had to put my foot down. (For a roast) My friends: I know you too well to call you ladies and gentlemen. Dive into the categories below and make sure to add more of your own in the comments below. 1: Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Certainly, they all made me smile. 1. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me. These one-liners and jokes sound like the fodder for Christmas crackers, nevertheless I am sure you will unearth at least one gem. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want." ~ William Binger People who can't tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point. Our most popular categories: Top 100 Funny Jokes Hilarious Jokes New Jokes Dark Humor One-Liners Clean Jokes Funny Sayings Funny Riddles Best Puns Knock Knock Jokes Bad Jokes Marriage Jokes Dad Jokes Good Jokes More Awesome Jokes. He thought he was God and I didn't. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. If you can't convince them, confuse them. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. Art from the Big Easy. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. The honest politician. Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving. Whether you're young or old, I'm sure you'll be able to relate to a few of them. 619 people like this. 34. Ham and eggs. Transportation officials have tested out . Funny One Liners Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. High quality One Liners-inspired gifts and merchandise. Trik Status Warna-warni FB Seluler. Bar, food. All orders are custom made and most ship worldwide within 24 hours. by Ramon March 22, 2010. 2 Do not argue with an idiot. One liner jokes about life, love, women, and more. Truisms, One-liners and Witticisms Surprising Utterances of Famous People More Truisms from Famous People Funny Truisms- Magic Moments Contents0.0.0.1 1 1) Truisms, One-liners and Witticisms2 2) Surprising Utterances of Famous People3 3) More Funny Truisms . To steal from many is research. I failed math so many times at school, I. Many people also like to share joke of the day one liners in messages to their family and friends. I married a German. Bar, food. Best One Liners 1. Work in silence, let your success speak. Some don't have film. Answer (1 of 530): The funniest one-liner I ever heard came from my son Max when he was four years old. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 32. Think of it as Seinfeld versus Chapelle: Both are funny, but only one comedian can play in the background while your 10-year-old is still awake. It's always a good time for hilarious one liners and funny short jokes. In " Thunderball ," Sean Connery's Bond spears a foe with a harpoon gun, then jokes: "I think he got the point.". Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.". Now if only I could teach him to play fetch! These funny life one liners sum up the daily struggles in a humorous way! These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever. Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted. You are reading: 32 witty, one-liner jokes about getting old to make you smile. Please continue while I take notes. Hero Images/Getty Images. BBLTHRW. What do you call a joke that isn't funny? "Your smile must be a black hole, nothing can escape its pull.". He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O . Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. . But not on snow day. Witty One Liners about Men "You can't belay a man who's falling in love." ~ Edward Abbey "An empty man is full of himself." "A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. Everyone has a photographic memory. Available in standard sizes. Laugh at a line but don't line-up to laugh! It also shows that you're able to process . I asked her why she drew the eyebrows that high and she seems surprised! One liner tags: car, life, sarcastic. They caught him stealing pens." "I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." "When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me." "I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet." "Boy, is my wife stupid! Brandon Gaille. ~Peter H.Diamandis. Updated: 1.12.2022. Witty One Liners. or. Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night; set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". 3. 4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. For a one-liner to be more humorous, puns can be used. 24. 52. - A politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. Lots of famous quotes, witty sayings, humorous observations and the meaning of life just kidding. So enjoy this collection of 80 funny one liners! Danielle Carson. - I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. Answer (1 of 1340): I have eleven. Funny Pics For FB. Funny One Liners. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. 19,432 people like this. By all means marry. Simply amazing. Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. I hope you enjoyed my speech and if you did not, I hope you had a good nap. Wishful Sayings in Life. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths." "I always take life with a grain of salt. 59 Funny and Witty Oneliners. one liners on life; top one liners; one liners quotes; love one liners; good one liners; funny one liners quotes; Blog Archive 2012 (39) July (11) This is sarcastic. It's always amazing to us how so much wit and double meaning can be encapsulated in such short jokes. I failed math so many times at school, I. "I bought myself some glasses. Politicians & diapers both . If you can't seem to remember pick-up lines, an option like this works well. I gave him a glass of water. funny one liners this blog is based on funny one liners , sad one liners , witty one liners , funny one liner. 50. Hopefully that will be because you're interested, not because you're trying to get up the nerve to leave. Here are some funny one liners to help you out: 51. Pickup Lines. Plus, a slice of lemon. To attempt it, one of the suggestions below can be used. "Never, under any circumstances . You are . One could easily feel overwhelmed by the dynamic and technology-driven planet we find ourselves in. "Normally you have news, weather and travel. Others whenever they go." "A computer once beat me at chess. I failed math so many times at school, I. Funny One Liners. Most of these cute one liners are from the iconic comedians and others are from random people. Forgot account? 83.10 % / 1311 votes. Funny One-Liners 1. Create New Account. I, for one, like Roman Numerals. 11 Clean One Liner Jokes "Money talks. o O o. Tequila won't fix your life but it's worth a shot. To steal from many is research. 33. One-liners can be written in the following ways: Make a PUN. 23. "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.". For more short hilarious jokes on the same topic see Some Really Funny Short . Sunday, 8 July 2012 . - Crime is merely politics without the excuses. Professionally printed on watercolor textured boards. The following series of witty one liners are great phrases to remember so you can share them along to others. The trouble with life is there's no background music. . Additionally, we also have inspirational quotes from leaders across the world. 1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. Witty one-liners have taken over America's highway signs here are the best. They're all here! This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined. And we all know that intelligent humour is probably the best humour there is. He is the author of 8 books, including The Humor Advantage: Why Some Businesses Are Laughing All the Way to the Bank , The Jerk-Free Workplace, and Hire, Inspire and Fuel Their Fire. Hard work has a future payoff. FUNNY ONE LINERS. One Liners and Short Jokes. The one-liners given below have been said by people like you and me. Last Updated on March 8, 2022. Hindi Shayari. About See All . "Change is inevitableexcept from a vending machine." Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? One liner tags: life, time, work. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. And a shot of tequila." "I don't have a beer gut. That though is the beauty of good one-liners. My father worked in a bank. Funny One Liners; Goal One Liners; Golf One Liners; Good Morning One Liners; Goodbye One Liners; Graduation One Liners; Idiot One Liners; Inspirational One Liners; Top 100 funniest one-liners. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes. Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. On a snow day, the news is weather is travel.". Funny Life One Liners Abandonment issues: they've stayed with me my whole life. on this blog you can find funny liners on many topics on this post you can read one liners on life Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Steven Wright: "I think it's wrong that only . TrollFace. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs." Good One-Liners. Find best and new funny one liners on this website. 2. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy. More Funniest Jokes And One-Liners. But he now felt strong enough to carry it." -Amish Tripathi (Immortals of Meluha) "The only way under high heavens to get someone to do something is make them . Community See All. Take away the fact that there is immense multi-faceted advancement daily, and that feeling remains. To attempt it, one of the suggestions below can be used. You'll have trouble putting on your pants. If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a dart board on a ceiling. A word said with meaning but understood with another purpose is a pun. That is, making use of a word with two meanings. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would. 1: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. 625 people follow this.